


No Eyes Forward

by sapphicreputation



Category: Station 19 (TV)
Genre: F/F, I don't know how tags work, Marina College AU, Maya desperately just needs a hug, TW for mentions of emotional abuse from Maya's horrible dad - nothing graphic however, college au they're soul mates what else do u want
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:41:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25078546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphicreputation/pseuds/sapphicreputation
Summary: Maya and Carina first met back in 2014 - Milan, to be exact. They meet under the most unexpected circumstances - it's fleeting and gentle, but exactly what both needed at the time.Fast forward to College, they're assigned the same suite. Neither recall that night in Milan, both resigning to the assumption they recognize each other from around campus. Both are dealing with their own versions of heat ache - but ultimately, they found their way back to each other for a reason.ORMarina College AU that I wanted to write because I am a sucker for college AU's and this idea just came to me so i am running with it !
Relationships: Maya Bishop/Carina DeLuca
Comments: 8
Kudos: 53





	1. Every Time, I See Something New

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first Marina AU because well who doesn't love a College AU ! ABC please don't sue me if you find this I fully understand I own none of the characters mentioned etc etc
> 
> The AU will feature aspects of Station 19 / Marina's dynamics, but it'll mostly be AU. Please leave comments / kudos if you like it, my ego would appreciate it. Much love !
> 
> TW for mentions of emotional abuse from Maya's ass hole dad throughout the chapter. It's nothing graphic, just the way he speaks / treats her is interpreted as emotional abuse. I hope this makes sense!

_Milan, Italy - August 2014_

Maya was accustomed to running in heat - Connecticut summers were often relentless. She was used to heat so scorching, every inhalation felt like her lungs were burning. This wasn’t supposed to be new ground for her to conquer. Of course, Italy had other ideas.

Arriving in Milan with her father just three days earlier, the combination of jet lag and oppressive heat had her times lackluster at best. She was only growing more frustrated; frustrated at her body for not acclimatizing quicker, frustrated at her father for never once giving her praise, frustrated in general because this was her first time in such a beautiful country and all she could do was train and be on the receiving end of her father’s scorns about how she was never going to become an Olympian if this was the best she could do. Lane Bishop believed that his training methods were fair; he only wanted the best for his only daughter. He saw a potential in her and wanted it to flourish to the best of its abilities. As a result, he ensured Maya adhered to strict schedules; every part of her life was dictated to by routines and diets and ensured not one second was spared for her to do some self-discovery of her own. Maya couldn’t bring herself to resent him for this - she’d conditioned herself into believing that he did everything he did out of love. That pouring ice cold water over her the morning after her most successful race yet was just so she didn’t become lax in her accomplishments. That forcing her to walk three miles home in the dark the evening she failed to beat her personal best in a track race was teaching her perseverance. It had worked for the most part - until now. She was hyper aware of the fact the international track tournament was only days away, but all she really wanted to do was explore the city. She daren’t ask her father if they could take an afternoon off to explore, knowing the answer she’d be met with. Instead, she sucked it up and emerged from the shade the bleachers of the training ground temporarily offered. Preparing mentally to run until her lungs felt as though they were searing, she knew that if she just placed first in this tournament, then maybe her father would take a step back and realise just how talented she already is. No quicker had this thought entered her mind, she chided herself into remembering that pigs would likely fly before that happened. 

\--

For Carina DeLuca, life appeared to be at her fingertips. She was in the prime of her teenage years, with a steady social circle, good grades, and an incredible scope of landscape surrounding her. Granted, her home life wasn’t the best. Her father remains insistent that it was her mother that broke their family apart, and consequently was the reason the relationship between him and her brother broke down. Her mother had taken Andrew to America following the divorce, but Carina insisted that she stayed behind with her father. Though he was a deeply troubled man, she couldn’t help but love him and want to help him. For all his flaws, he was still her family. She chose not to dwell on that aspect of her life often, instead submerging herself in all the good around her. 

She often lost herself in worlds created at an author’s fingertips - she read as if it was going out of style. Anything and everything she could get her hands on - her friends teased her for it, suggesting she spent more time in make believe worlds than she did in the one she was living in. Carina paid them no regard though, perfectly content delving into worlds hand crafted with the sole purpose of wonder and engagement - it was where she felt freest. She often drifted towards older works, detailing a white picket fence life in the heart of America. Sometimes, in the darkest moments of the night when her only company was the stars strewn across the span of her window, she wondered how different her life would’ve become, should she have gone with her mother and brother to America. They seemed happier out there; her mother was working as a teacher in a middle school, her brother was settled into a life of his own. Her mother especially seemed lighter - free of the shackles her fathers troubled mind imposed on her. She’d never admit it aloud, but sometimes she’d wonder whether she made the correct choice in staying in Italy with her father. It became unbearable at times; he was so manic there were stretches of days he’d forgo sleep, determined on throwing himself into his latest bout of research. Of course, after the mania, came the drop. The deep depression that rendered him bed bound for weeks at a time. It was during these times she missed having a support network; someone else to rely on when the weight of the world became too heavy for her to bear alone. There was no family around for her to fall back on - all familial ties had been severed by her father over the years, no one wished to tolerate his wicked streak for longer than they needed to. After her mother left to pursue a new life in America, the family they had left subtly distanced themselves, hoping to be forgotten about. 

It was these days that made her regress into fictional worlds of happy families, established loves, and promising endings. She liked to imagine her own family as the ones described in these works; Vincenzo would be a business owner that left for work at 8am and came home at 6pm smiling. Isabella would work part time at a florist, or something just as elegant. They’d have a cat and a dog - just because. Their dog would be called Jeff, even though it would be female. Something about animals with names that failed to correlate with their gender had always amused Carina. Their cat would be called Tabby, regardless of whether it was a tabby cat or not. They would be a happy family; every Sunday they would go to Church, as is often detailed in these books. They’d have BBQs and go on family vacations together. More than anything, they would be happy, united. The family unit Carina could only dream of one day having. 

\-- 

‘Look kiddo, we didn’t fly all the way here to lose’ Lane scorned. Maya was buckled over, desperately trying to get oxygen into her lungs. It was nearing 8pm, she’d been training for nearly twelve hours. There wasn’t an aspect of her body that didn’t hurt; she was exhausted, both mentally and physically. 

‘Dad, I’m not going to lose. I’ve not scored lower than my personal best time since we landed here’ Maya responded; frustration evident in her tone.

‘You’re starting to slack Maya. Do you know what slackers do? They get second place. Or even worse, they get third. Hell they can even go as far as failing to earn a spot on the podium at all. Do you want that for yourself?’ His tone was growing stern. Maya knew better than to bite when he was like this, but she was just _so_ tired. 

‘I’m starting to slack because I’m _exhausted_ dad. I’ve been running in what feels like the pits of hell since 9am this morning. I’m jet lagged; my legs hurt. So no, I’m not slacking, I’m being run into the ground by you. At this point, I don’t think I even care about winning - hell, I’m just excited for the tournament to be done so we can be back home and I can go back to being invisible whenever I’m not training.’ She regretted it as soon as she’d finished speaking. She knew answering back to her father like this would have consequences. Her brother wasn’t here to defend her - no one was. She was alone, with only her father, who’s forehead veins were so prominent they threatened to burst out his skull any second now. 

Lane edged closer to Maya, his breathing shallow. His face bore a bright red tone - one that signified danger. He was angry. His kids had been brought up better than to answer back to him, especially not like this. They’d been brought up with respect, to know their place. He and Katherine sacrificed so much for both of them, so they could have better prospects than they’d been afforded growing up. They were sure to be reminded of such at every opportunity. 

‘Now you listen here young lady’ he spat, inches away from Maya’s face. ‘You do not get to speak to me like that, not now, not ever. I gave up a week’s vacation from work to be able to come here with you. Why do you think I did that? Because I want you to succeed - I want you to reach the best of your abilities. I did not come here for you to be a spoilt brat and decide to be a failure. There is no space in my house for failures, so you better buck your ideas up or find somewhere else to live when we get back to the States. Understand?’ He didn’t bother waiting for a reply - the fear in Maya’s eyes was confirmation enough. Instead, he stormed over to the bench that was holding their belongings and headed back to their hotel. Leaving Maya alone - she could feel herself starting to crumble, despite how much she urged her heart not to. 

\--

The moon was beginning to angle higher in the sky, taking residence amongst the stars. The air was lighter tonight than it had been all day; the heat finally began to lift. Carina’s friends had opted to take an earlier train back to the small city they called home, having spent the day exploring Milan. Carina however, she wasn’t quite ready to return home yet. Her father was hell bent on discovering another medical breakthrough, and as a result she was determined to spend as little time at home as possible. With a promise of keeping her phone on, she bid them farewell as the train carrying the rest of her social circle pulled out from the station. That was about two hours ago, and she hadn’t particularly done much since.

She’d headed to a quaint, curb side cafe for food. It was there she’d taken up residency for an hour; indulging on iced tea and a vegan salad, interchangeably watching the world go by and reading the latest book she’d acquired. It was these quiet moments she treasured most; the silence of her own company afforded her the chance to get her thoughts and feelings in order. A chance to re-centre herself and become more aware of herself again, free of the stress her home life often brought her. 

Somewhere during the hour she’d spent at the cafe, she found herself infatuated with the image of a passing girl. She didn’t appear to be much older than Carina; maybe sixteen at best. She had an accent - British perhaps? The way she carried herself, with such confidence, yet such ease - Carina couldn’t help but become drawn to. She wondered about this girl after she’d left her line of vision. Wondered if she knew how powerful the aura she let off was, about her story - who was she? What was it that evoked that wide smile complete with a dimple on either cheek? Though Carina had never really thought too deeply into her sexuality, she figured that her on-going infatuation with women she saw in passing, in posters in magazines or on television was enough to suggest she wasn’t straight. She didn’t fret over this knowledge; she was empowered by her self-affirmation of being free to love whoever she wanted to, regardless of their gender identity. 

She soon grew restless of the cafe environment, wanting to explore more of the city at night. Having settled her bill, she took to the streets of Milan once again. The atmosphere was different from when she first entered the cafe; the streets felt more alive. The evening crowd was beginning to take residence amongst the cobbled streets - thirsty for the feeling of being drunk on alcohol, and maybe something a bit stronger. It was equal parts invigorating and intimidating; Carina quickly became aware of the fact she was only fourteen, alone in a major city. There was a slight hint of regret in herself, but she didn’t let it linger. Instead, she began walking, keeping her posture as small as possible whilst being sure to take in the sights of the city. Eventually, she found an illuminated stadium; she recognised it as the venue that would host the athletics tournament in a few days. The gates to the track field remained opened, she spotted the bleachers lit by flood lights and headed for them. Knowing she’d be afforded another hour of solace amongst the bleachers, she felt herself calm. Once again, she could lose herself in the book she brought along for the ride.

\--

Maya tried; she really did. She hated this more than anything; hated the countless times she’d found herself crumbling at the anger and disappointment her father bestowed on her. She’d constantly try her best - always wishing for nothing than to be enough for him, to reach his expectations. It was never enough, so it would seem. Instead, she was consistently degraded to a crying heap on the floor, with only herself to comfort her. Tonight proved no different; even on the other side of the world, competing in an established tournament only the best of the best were able to qualify for, she still failed to satisfy her father’s expectations of her. 

Maybe it was the soul crushing realisation, maybe it was the weight of her sobs, maybe it was the devastation that wracked through her body knowing that she would soon have to return to the hotel room they were sharing, and be met with nothing but cold, harsh silence. Whatever it was, it rendered her distracted enough that she completely missed the presence of someone else entering the stadium. 

\--

Carina was startled to begin with; she heard the sobs before she located who they were coming from. Panic rose in her throat - was she about to impose on an incredibly personal moment? Or was she about to find someone hurt and in trouble? There was part of her that wanted to turn around and head for the train station already - to run and just never find out who was eliciting such heart wrenching cries. She very nearly did, until her empathy took over. She knew how it felt to be in such pain, she couldn’t leave knowing that someone else could be suffering alone. So, she pushed forward; one foot in front of the other, she continued to grow closer to the hunched over girl in the middle of the tracks. She was seemingly too caught up in her emotions to even register that she was no longer alone. Carina scoped their surroundings, checking for signs of anyone else. Concluding they were in fact the only two in the stadium, Carina made her way over to the girl. She scanned for immediate signs of injury, but could see no blood, nothing in the girl’s demeanour to suggest she was physically hurt. Instead the girl was sat on the floor, arms hugging her knees to her chest - her whole body wracked with the force of the sobs she was letting out. It appeared that whatever pain the girl was in, it was purely mental.

Now only a few steps away from the girl, Carina pondered the best way to approach her. She didn’t want to scare her, but it seemed evident the girl could use some support right now. She decided to make her footsteps notably louder, the soles of her shoes reverberating off the hard gravel of the tracks. It proved useless; the girl was still unaware that she had company. Carina was left with little choice other than audibly making her presence known.

‘You know,’ Carina stuttered, ‘I’m not typically one to intrude, but I’m starting to fear that the entirety of Milan will hear your cries soon.’ At this, Maya finally looked up - registering with horror that she was no longer alone. Instinct kicking in, Maya rose to her feet, heading straight to her bag, looking to busy herself and make a quick exit before anyone else could see her. Carina noticed her stunned look - Maya began to resemble a deer struck in headlights. She didn’t know a thing about this girl, but it was in Carina’s nature to want to help people.

‘I’m Carina,’ she introduced, ‘are you alright?’ Maya was actively trying to gather her things and disappear as quickly as possible, not wishing to return to her hotel room but certainly not wanting to have to make small talk with a stranger taking pity on her. 

‘I’m Maya,’ she extended. ‘Thank you for the concern, but I’m fine - honestly.’ Carina wasn’t convinced but faltered on whether to continue the conversation or simply allow Maya space to retreat. She took a chance on once again initiating conversation, she was never good at letting things go.

‘You’re not from here, are you? What is that accent? American?’

‘Yeah, I’m from Connecticut to be exact.’ Maya offered; her voice hoarse from the sobs she’d let go. ‘I’m competing in the tournament in a few days. Long day of training just got the better of me I guess.’ 

‘Well I can only imagine. I’m no geography expert, but I’m sure the Italian heat is a bit different to America’s. I can hardly stand to walk in it, let alone run.’ At this, Maya relinquished a small smile - an offering of thanks for lightening her mood. The pair stood in silence for a second, allowing Maya to fully compose herself. Carina could feel herself taking her in; her strong form, the way strands of hair had fallen loose from the two braids she sported. She knew that she shouldn’t be doing this, but she couldn’t seem to help herself. 

‘I should probably get back to my hotel, my dad will be worrying. It was nice to meet you Carina, and thanks for checking on me’ Maya offered before grabbing her bags and heading toward the exit of the stadium. She was grateful for the stranger’s kindness; it forced herself to push down the emotionality she typically reserved for when she was alone in her room, certain no one could hear her cries. Yet - there was something about Carina that made her want to stay. Something enticing; daring her to defy her father's expectations once more, stay out late and get to know this girl. She turned around from where she was standing and saw Carina now situated on the bleachers, complete with a book in her hands. The way the flood lights shone off her illuminated her high cheekbones, and a smile that looked as though it belonged in an art museum. She wanted to know more -- even if only for a night, she wanted to know Carina. 

\--

They’d been talking for two hours, both lying on their own separate bench on the bleachers. Maya chose to reside one bench higher than Carina, both looking up at the stars, sharing stories of their lives. Carina shared little snippets of life in Italy, talked of how she sometimes wishes she could join her mother and brother in America, but would miss too many aspects of Italy. Maya shared the run in she’d had with her father earlier and explained the Eyes Forward mentality he’d instilled in her. How, when she was on the track, everyone was her competition. How there were no friends to be made in this sport; it was always eyes forward - no excuses. According to her father, the second her eyes began to wander, she’d already lost. She’d lose focus, and ultimately sacrifice first place. As a result, Maya had gone on to adopt this mentality to most aspects of her life, her school, her social circles. She was inherently competitive with everyone and everything, and she hated it. It jeopardized more than one friendship, because Maya was yet to separate the need to constantly win from the desire to just be present, to remain in the moment. She couldn’t stop herself constantly looking ahead, reaching for what was to come. Carina was surprisingly understanding of this; she explained how her father gets during his manic episodes - how determined he becomes to crack whatever he’s working on, and how he refuses to rest until he does. She went on to clarify that that wasn’t her insinuating Maya carried the mental illnesses her father did - rather, she understood the dangers of that mindset. She’d seen first-hand how it can destroy people, and despite only knowing Maya for a few hours, she would hate to think of her succumbing to her own destruction through constantly racing for first place in life. 

It was nearly one in the morning before the pair retreated to their respective homes. Carina made the last train back home by the skin of her teeth - her heart pounding in her chest as she found a seat in a train carriage filled with a few drunken groups of people. She looked out the window, despite the fact the harsh luminous lights of the train against the dark expanse of outside meant she could see little beyond the reflection of the carriage. She let the events of the day replay in her head, a small smile tugging at her lips. In that moment, she felt like she was living in one of the countless books she’d delved into over the years. It was as though this was her main character moment, and this entire evening served as an opening chapter for the beginning of something new. 

\--

Maya was, as expected, met with silence. Thankfully, it came as a result of the fact her father was asleep in one of the double beds the room afforded. She crept around the room quietly, showered hastily before setting her training gear out for the following morning. If Lane thought she’d performed badly today, he was in for a treat seeing her perform tomorrow on the best part of five hours sleep. Maya didn’t care, not tonight. She was grateful for the stranger that stopped to check on her, and the hours they’d spent together after. It was what she needed; to be able to release her emotions, relay some of her life to a stranger she knew she’d never see again - it was freeing. It was the cathartic release she’d been craving for so long. 

In a shocking turn of events, Maya fell asleep happy. Content in the knowledge that she wouldn’t always feel so alone, and that the stranger who turned out to be Carina, a girl the same age as her with an equally as upsetting father as her, instilled some yet to be defined faith in her. Though she was sure they’d never cross paths again, Maya was grateful for the time they’d spent together that evening. 

\--

The day of the tournament quickly came around. The atmosphere between her and her dad remained tense, but he seemed to be channelling his energies into psyching her up to win. They’d swiftly registered Maya’s attendance, and took to the designated warm up spots offered to all athletes competing. Maya’s body was tired; her legs ached, her arms felt heavy. She willed herself to just get through today, safe in the knowledge that whatever happened, she would be back on a flight to America tomorrow. 

Time felt as though it was crawling by in the run up to each of her races, but eventually her number was called for her qualifying heat. As soon as she heard the gun signalling the race had begun, muscle memory took over. Eyes forward, her only goal was completing the 10,000 meters the race needed, in first place. Nothing less would do, and thankfully, nothing less was had. She scored first in her qualifiers, as well as the semi-final heat. Now all that was left was the final race of the day - the final that could potentially see her crowned international champion of the 10,000-metre sprint in her age category. 

‘You can do this kiddo, one more race and we’ll be champions!’ Her dad cheered as Maya partook in another round of stretches, desperate to lessen the aches in her legs. 

‘We? I must’ve missed the race you took part in,’ Maya chided back. She was safe to make these remarks when her dad was like this - he took each of her victories to be his own, and whilst Maya found it incredibly frustrating, she let it go. Knowing better than to pick fights she couldn’t win. 

‘It’s always been me and you Maya, I’m proud of you. I just know you have this title in the bag.’ Lane offered, quickly busying himself with fetching her another bottle of Gatorade. It must not have seemed like much to him, but to Maya, hearing her dad say he was proud of her was such a rare occurrence, it threw her.

She didn’t dwell on it for long, not wanting to psych herself out before the final race. Instead, she alternated between resting and partaking in light sprint drills, desperately avoiding a plummet in adrenaline and energy. Before too long, the final calls were taking place for her to take her position at the starting line-up. Her dad gave her a final pat on the back, before taking his place in the coaches designated area. Her heartbeat was pulsing in her ears, but she was well-versed in keeping her nerves under wraps. Eyes forward - one more time.

The race felt as though it finished no sooner had it started. The feeling of being the first to cross the finish line was incomparable; she was met with a stadium full of applause, an American flag was handed to her that she quickly wrapped around herself, basking in the glory of not only coming in first place, but beating her personal best time in the process. Her dad quickly found her among the sea of photographers that’d surrounded her and lifted her feet from the ground in a genuine embrace; he said over and over again how proud of her he was. She knew he meant it - and just for a moment, she let herself be present in it. Let herself take in the fact she was finally enough, despite the knowledge that this wasn’t permanent. This praise would last for as long as it took them to return home, then it would be back to reminders of how she needed to continually be better and keep her eyes on the prize.

\--

Carina was tucked away in her room, soft music playing on her vinyl player her mother had left behind for her, as she read through a new poetry book she’d acquired. It was a Bukowski piece, and whilst she tried to stray away from material heavily centred around self-deprecation, sometimes she couldn’t help herself. She was sure to allow her emotions to ebb and flow as they pleased, and influence what material she reached for. It just so happened that in this instance, her heart was slightly heavier than usual. Andrew’s birthday was fast approaching, and she yearned to be with him. Her father refused to pay for a plane ticket for her to visit him, and her mother was yet to save enough to afford one. Instead, she promised to video call him at some point throughout the day, and that would have to be enough.

Eventually, she grew hungry - hungry enough that the growl in her stomach outweighed her desire to stay locked in her room forever. She got up and made her way to the kitchen, passing her father in the process. He was sat in his designated chair; an old, worn out leather piece. She found it terribly uncomfortable, but he loved it. Glancing at the television his eyes were fixed on, she saw news coverage of the athletic tournament unfolding. On her screen was none other than Maya Bishop, who was currently receiving gold medal for her success in her races.

Carina caught herself smiling at the image of Maya on the screen; she was beaming from ear to ear, the medal hanging proudly around her neck. She looked so gracious, despite every right for her to be arrogant in this moment - the way she carried herself wasn’t lost on Carina. For someone so young, she harboured a soul old beyond her years. It showed, to those who held the ability to look close enough to find it. 

The growl of her empty stomach quickly snapped her out of the gaze she’d centered on Maya. Vincenzo chided her for leaving it so long without food, leaving her to quickly retreat to the kitchen. Not before stealing one last glance at Maya’s smile currently lit up on the screen. ‘Congratulazioni Maya’ she muttered, before finally breaking her glance. 

//

_Stouffer College House - UPenn Campus. Move-in Day 2020_

Junior year had come about of its own accord, it felt. Maya was grateful for another year of living three hours away from her family, namely her father. The summer had felt suffocating; she’d been training non-stop, desperate to keep her fitness levels intact, to ensure her scholarship remained valid. She’d had little downtime - missed the vacation her family had gone on, instead having to enrol in some fitness camp that apparently all future Olympians attend at least once. Amidst all the chaos training and her family life in general brought, she’d completely forgotten to register for accommodation. Her friends kept reminding her, but it was always something she just never got round to doing. Thankfully, she’d managed to score a room in one of the nicer on-campus buildings. Sure, she was upset she wouldn’t be living with her friends until next year, but the building was closer to the track meaning she could train for longer, not having to be conscious of the commute back to an apartment in the city. The only downfall it would seem, is that it was a double room. She had no idea who her roommate would be, and thankfully didn’t care too much. Being juniors, they’d earned their right to separate rooms, meaning Maya would keep her privacy. 

The drive back to college felt familiar - she’d done it enough times to know when the best time to nap was, and when they were close enough that she could finally allow herself to be excited to return back to the freedom college life granted her. 

//

Carina had arrived back into Philadelphia after a relatively stress-free flight. All three of her suitcases made it safely from Wisconsin, and they’d encountered little turbulence. It was the ride from the airport back to campus that was proving tiresome. She was restless - desperate to stretch her legs having spent all day sitting; sitting in airport departure lounges, sitting on a cramped flight, sitting in baggage claims waiting to retrieve all her belongings. She made a mental note to herself to go for a run as soon as she was unpacked. 

She’d said her tearful goodbyes to her mother and brother at Milwaukee airport, promising to come home for Thanksgiving. She would genuinely miss them but was grateful to be back immersed in the constant buzz UPenn offered. 

After what felt like forever, she finally arrived on campus. She hadn’t been fussed on securing any particular accommodation this year - both of her closest friends were living in an apartment near the city’s busiest hospital ahead of internships and cramming as much experience in as possible this coming year, and it proved too expensive for her. Instead, she took it as a chance to broaden her social circles, and just accepted whichever accommodation was offered first. She noted that it was a double suite, but thankfully she was given her own room, so she wasn’t too bothered. She just hoped her roommate wasn’t a complete psychopath. 

That hope was quickly diminished the second she step foot into the door of the place she’d call home for the next year; she was greeted to the sounds of two people arguing, a man and a woman. _Great_ she thought - just how she’d wanted to start the year. 

Choosing to skip the formalities of introducing herself to whoever was currently engaging in a blazing row with the man in their room, she chose to head straight to her new room and begin making it her own. She began by putting fresh sheets on the bed, before putting some pictures she’d had printed on the cork board that hung above the desk provided. Next, she replaced the curtains - old, bleak, off white ones were swapped out with a soft pink faux silk set. Carina was adamant they filtered daylight through in the most beautiful way, her mother simply believed her daughter was hell bent on romanticising every aspect of her life. It made her happy though, so she never actually told Carina that. 

By the time she’d finished adoring her walls with various vinyl records - never to be played, because she couldn’t bring her vinyl player across the country with her - along with stacks of books that now took up residence in a corner of her room, the arguing from the other room had finally settled down. She wasn’t sure how long it’d been since the yelling had ceased, so decided on going for a run before introducing herself. She wasn’t sure of the finer details, choosing to drown the shouting out with music blasting through her airpods instead, thus wanted to give her new roommate adequate time to cool off. 

She was grateful to be back circling the familiar paths of campus - her time at college had really helped her grow. It’d helped her finally process the loss of her father, helped her become more of the woman she’d envisioned herself being. There appeared to be memories stuffed into every crevice of campus. Running past a certain secluded section of trees, she laughed at the memory of the night she hooked up with a random sophomore during her freshman year, and it was that night she finally concluded she is in fact a lesbian. The bar near the Science building was where she’d witnessed her first bar brawl - the Packers lost their reigning title, and all hell broke loose swiftly after. Every experience helped craft her into the person she was today - one she only hoped her father would be proud of. 

//

This wasn’t how the year was supposed to start for Maya. She was meant to be happy, on track for another successful year. Instead, her father berated her for a stack of cookies he’d found hidden amongst her clothes, and a blazing row had broken out as a result. Maya was getting older – she was practically an adult. Yet, her father still refused to allow her to indulge in processed foods or sugar filled sweets from time to time. He told her that she would embark on a slippery slope, lose all self-control and ultimately sacrifice her place on the Olympic team that he’d worked hard for her to get. It always boiled down to him; his sacrifices, his pride - never once thinking about how his continual emotional beatings affected Maya. She’d lost it today - a rare occasion. Maybe it was the knowledge that she would be three hours away for the majority of the year, or the fact she was sick of having to hide every aspect of her life from the person that was meant to love her - whatever it was, it orchestrated itself in a viscous slip of Maya’s tongue. She didn’t regret her words. She only regretted the fact her new roommate had had to listen to two grown adults shouting and swearing over a few packets of double stuffed Oreos. 

Eyes forward, however. She pushed through her upset and began to unbox her belongings. Not that there was much; her father refused to allow her medals to leave the family’s living room under the guise that they were to be adored by any visitors, so they could know the success he was raising. Instead, she had a few photos of her and her friends from the training camp she’d spent three weeks at, a soft toy that’d been hers since birth, and a few books. Mostly textbooks for class. She took a step back to assess her room; it was bare and lacked any personality. She vowed to go looking in local thrift stores this week, picking whatever she felt herself gravitating towards to display in her room. She wasn’t going to live under her father’s ruling anymore. Not when she was months shy of legally being allowed to buy her own alcohol. It was time for her to grow her own sense of self and find out what else made her heart happy outside of running. 

Maya became so lost in her internal to-do list of things she was feeling motivated to achieve this year, that she failed to register her roommate coming back home. Carina however, heard music playing from her room, and decided that this was as good a time as ever to introduce herself. Having fetched a bottle of water from their already stocked fridge, she made her way towards Maya’s door. Knocking lightly, she was greeted with assurance to come in from the other side. 

The pair locked eyes and stared in silence for a split second; they’d seen each other before - they were sure of it. Neither of them seemed able to place it, however. 

‘Hi,’ Carina was the one to break the silence, ‘I’m Carina...I’m sorry, you just look so familiar.’

‘Hey,’ Maya returned. ‘I know, I feel like I know your face - probably just from around campus.’ 

The pair slipped into easy conversation, both choosing to reside on Maya’s now made bed. Neither of them appeared to recall the night in Milan, way back when they were younger and naiver. The world felt as though it held endless possibilities to them both back then, but now? Now, the world, specifically Maya’s room, felt slightly more suffocating to the pair of them. Though neither could pinpoint why. 


	2. i can see us twisted in bedsheets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following Lane's departure after his and Maya's argument, Carina seeks to comfort her. Only, things are misconstrued along the way. Carina messes up, Maya messes up. Things are starting to become apparent below the surface of both of them, though neither are ready to admit it yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can only apologise for how long this update took but Corona has been making my life a bit of a whirlwind and I've been in such a slump !!!! I hope this chapter makes up for the long wait between updates. Please leave a comment/kudos etc if you liked it <333

Neither seemed to be able to pinpoint why the world felt slightly more compressed between them; there was an energy buzzing between the pair sat on Maya’s sheets that couldn’t be described. Of course, neither wanted to voice such - instead, they opted to gradually delve a little deeper into their lives. They talked of their summers, their plans for the year, the woes that come with being a responsible barely-there adult at college.

Carina’s laugh was a sound that forced Maya’s breath to hitch; every time the brunette in front of her threw her head back at something they’d exchanged, Maya could’ve sworn she’d never seen anything so beautiful. Was it the way her hair fell into cascading locks across her shoulders? Or the way small, barely there dimples became visible whenever she laughed just hard enough? Whatever it was, Maya did her best to quell the hitches in her breath - this wasn’t the time, nor the place. They’d be living together for the next year, Maya couldn’t afford to form anything beyond a surface level friendship with Carina. Not when she had so much riding on her the upcoming year. Between maintaining her track scholarship, keeping up with her studies, and trying to paint an idea of how she wanted her future to look, there was too much already occupying her mind. Not to mention the fact that the age old sexuality debate she’d been having with herself for the last few years required too much energy to be thought about right now. So no, she made a note to put a lock on any sort of reactions or feelings she may or may not develop toward Carina - she had too much else to contend with to add a possible heartbreak to the list of things seeking to destroy her. 

**********

Time passed by without a care from either of them - neither had plans until later that evening, resulting in them opting to make themselves comfortable. Somewhere along the way, Carina ended up laying on the floor. She realised that she was still clad in her running gear, yet the sheen of sweat that previously glossed her skin had thankfully dispersed. She was idly running her fingers across the pattern of Maya’s flooring, whilst Maya did nothing but sit in silence, watching with awe at the woman in front of her. There was so much Maya wanted to know. A few moments of easy silence had washed over them; Maya texting someone about plans for that evening, whilst Carina allowed her eyes to close for just a second. The exhaustion of the day behind her slowly sinking in; going from state to state, straight into the familiar trails of the college amidst her run, it was all beginning to settle into her. A content type of exhaustion slowly crept through her bones. 

Maya didn’t realise Carina had fallen asleep until she’d finally looked up from her phone a few minutes later. She took a second to take the sight of her in; her toned arms, outstretched legs, the way her shirt had ridden up just enough to reveal an expanse of skin at her side, revealing the corners of a tattoo she couldn’t quite make out. Unsure what to do, but not wanting to leave her new roommate asleep on the floor of a room that wasn’t hers, especially when she was a step below a perfectly comfortable bed, Maya gave her shoulder a slight nudge. Carina darted up to assume a seated position, sleepiness evident in her eyes. 

‘Sorry,’ Maya offered, ‘I just figured there are multiple places throughout this apartment that are slightly more comfortable than the floor.’ Carina exhaled a laugh in response to Maya’s awkwardness. 

‘No, I’m sorry - I didn’t even realise how tired I was until I closed my eyes’ Carina offered. She stretched her tired limbs out, eliciting a slight moan at the release of pressure reverberating through her limbs. She decided not to mention the blush she caught spreading Maya’s cheeks whilst she was clearly figuring out where to look instead. 

‘Whilst we’re on the subject of apologizing...I’m sorry you had to hear me and my dad arguing when you arrived. I promise that won’t be a regular occurrence.’ Maya began playing with her hands - anything to avoid making direct eye contact with Carina. Though if she had, she’d have seen the swarms of empathy washing over her face. A silent confirmation that she didn’t have to apologise for strained relationships with fathers - it was something she was all too familiar with. 

‘Please,’ Carina responded, waving a hand in front of her face. ‘What’s move in day without some commotion’. The pair both released a laugh at Carina’s means of lightening the mood. ‘What were you arguing about anyway? Your dad find your fake ID?’

‘Something like that...he found a packet of Oreos amidst my clothes.’ Embarrassment washed over Maya’s face - she realised how ridiculous it sounded. 

‘A packet of Oreos? What? He got upset you didn’t intend on sharing?’ Carina’s face was painted with mild confusion - unsure if there was something deeper she was missing, but not wishing to cast judgement. 

Maya faltered for a second - unsure of how much to share about the intense lifestyle her father forced her to become accustomed to over the years. Unknowing as to whether to share how desperate she was, just for once, to break away from the routines, the meal plans, the schedules - just to feel like a teenager. Just once. 

‘He’s a great dad, he’s just...intense. I guess he always has been,’ the blonde’s tone filtered to something more reserved; her discomfort in discussing her family life growing evident. ‘My dad just wants me to be the best I can be, and the best of the best. He’s always had me on strict meal plans, routines, itineraries - he’s always had every aspect of my life calculated in a way that ensures my training schedule, and ultimately my success on the track, remains a priority. So when he was helping me unpack my clothes and he found a pack of Oreos that most definitely aren’t in my meal plan, I think he felt deceived. He works so hard to ensure I’m given all the greatest opportunities, so I guess to see me try and go behind his back to break that - he just got angry.’ There was an evident shift in Maya’s body language, the more she revealed. She was battling a sea of doubts in her brain; why she’d allowed herself to be treated like this for so long, why her dad couldn’t see how much harm he was doing to her well-being in the process of trying to uplift her, and mostly...why she felt so comfortable sharing so much already with a woman she’d only just met. 

Another wave of silence washed over the pair; both taking a second to weigh up the truths Maya laid out. Maya regretted it the second she’d finished talking - she scolded herself for being so vulnerable to someone that was practically a stranger, even if she was going to be living with her for the next year. Carina was trying to formulate her response; she understood where Maya was coming from, even if their experiences differed completely. She was heartbroken to know that someone that seemed so bright, so full of life, was suffering the same hand she had back in Italy. 

‘I’m sorry he’s such an ass,’ Carina finally spoke. Maya’s eyebrows shot up at that statement. 

‘Excuse me?’ A sudden temper came out of nowhere, over Maya. 

‘Well, he’s an ass. Yes, his intentions may be good, but from what you said...the way he treats you..it’s questionable. I’m sorry Maya.’

A burning rage that Maya couldn’t quite pinpoint washed over her; she suddenly felt extremely defensive of her father. Extremely angry at herself for painting him in such a foul light - he’d given up so much to better her life, and this was how she chose to repay him? By shit talking him to strangers? She should’ve known so much better. 

‘Listen,’ Maya said through gritted teeth. ‘You don’t know anything about me, or my dad. I shouldn’t have said any of that, I was just upset.’ 

Carina’s face fell - it became clear to her that she’d perhaps overstepped a line, misread the feelings Maya was exuding.

‘Oh - of course. I’m sorry Maya, that was rude of me.’ Carina got up, began heading for the door to lead her out of the room that was suddenly too small for the pair of them. It felt suffocating. ‘I’ve got to get ready to meet my friends, but I hope you have a lovely night. I’m sorry again.’ Turning on her heels, Carina offered Maya one more glance before she left. The blonde didn’t respond, didn’t even turn from her position facing out the window. Carina got that message, loud and clear. 

//

Carina couldn’t help but replay that series of events over and over in her head - torturing herself as her friends desperately tried to urge her out of her withdrawn mood. One minute, everything was fine, great in fact. Maya opened up to someone she hardly knew, and yet Carina had responded like...that. She thought it was the response Maya had been seeking - affirmation that her dad was an ass, validation that her frustrations were heard and real. The response Carina thought Maya had sought mirrored the type of response she’d sought from her mother, or Andrew, or her friends, whenever she was exhausted by every sense of the word, after her fathers latest episodes. It helped her - soothed her in a way, to hear someone else recognise that her father’s behaviour was uncalled for. That screaming and shouting at his daughter as a result of his mania induced frustrations wasn’t okay. Clearly, Carina had gotten it so very wrong. 

Eventually, she was roused from her internal stewing by Arizona forcing a shot of Tequila in her hand. Lemon and salt swiftly followed. 

‘Carina, come  _ on _ !’ The blonde slurred - it never did take much for Arizona to start feeling the effects of Tequila. ‘I don’t know what’s got you so quiet, but it needs to stop. This is our reunion night; lighten up!’ Arizona forced a cheers upon her and the rest of their group as they chased their shots of Tequila with the bitter taste of lemons. It burned, but it felt good. The effects of the alcohol slowly breaking through the misery her brain currently encased; maybe Arizona was right. Carina was bringing down the mood - that was the last thing she’d wanted after being so excited to see her friends again after what felt like the longest summer apart. Offering her friends a smile that thankfully wasn’t forced, Carina made quick apologies for being down, and quickly sought down a waitress to order another round of shots for the table. 

Tomorrow - she’d resolve this tomorrow. Tonight was for reuniting with her friends, for catching up about all the adventures they’d gotten up to throughout summer, and reveling once more in the freedom she found among her friends. 

//

The rage was still bubbling below the surface of Maya. She could feel it; coursing through herself in a way that refused to settle. It only forced her frustrations to grow. She knew Carina had meant well, and knew that Carina was  _ right.  _ Her dad was an ass. She didn’t understand why she still felt the need to defend him, when sometimes there are actions that just couldn’t be excused. She’d spent the last hour laying atop her bed, mulling over everything that had happened earlier today. It all just felt so ridiculous - how had such a blazing argument erupted over something so menial? Why did Maya continually let her father dictate every aspect of her life, even when she knew she’d be spending the next year three hours away from him? Why did she still care enough to force herself to keep her eyes forward and uphold all of his expectations? These were all questions she’d been desperately trying to answer for so long. 

~

Of course, it wasn’t just her that her dad made miserable. Maya should technically count herself lucky; her father’s tough love approach was masked with good intentions wherever she was concerned. Her brother was never offered the same luxuries. She couldn’t exactly pinpoint where her family had slowly, silently started to break apart, but she’d put it down to somewhere around the time her brother broke the news of his acceptance into art school. Prior to that, it wasn’t as though her father hadn’t vocalised his disbelief that his only son would rather invest his time in painting and creating rather than science, or becoming a doctor, or something he deemed more fitting for a male to pursue. He’d always voiced his hopes that it was some phase her brother was eventually going to grow out; that one day he’d wake up and realise that painting was reserved for little girls and art majors, neither of which he was. Or at least, so her dad thought. 

Mason’s acceptance into an art school was something that hadn’t exactly shocked Maya, rather, she was just in disbelief that he was brave enough to purposely go against all their fathers expectations. She envied him in that moment - when he told her in private that he was going to New York Academy of Art the following year. Envied the fact he was strong enough to break free of the weight her father constantly imposed on them both, to pursue something that made him truly happy. Maya wasn’t even sure she could confidently name something outside of running that made her happy...except there was a moment of faltering that had her doubting whether even that had in fact made her happy. 

Mason broke the news around the dinner table two nights later. Everyone had known, except Lane. Their mother had silently wept out of equal parts pride and fear. She too knew how much Mason was risking in pursuing his dream. Knew of the consequences this would carry for their family. Katherine was terrified of how her husband was going to react, and chided herself for being too fearful of him to defend their son. Though she had offered to tell Lane herself, save Mason a job. He’d refused the offer though - wishing to bask in the fury painted on his face when he found out. He hadn’t exactly been wrong. 

Mason let it slip casually, said that he’d finally committed to a college program. Lane was surprised to hear this, admitting he hadn’t even been aware Mason was applying anywhere. It was then that Mason, cool as ice, informed his dad that he’d be pursuing art as a degree, as a career, as a life and means of happiness. Lane had grown terrifyingly silent; it was as if he was contemplating whether to scream at him or simply rip his head clean off himself. Instead, after what felt like forever, Katherine had guided him out of his silence - suggesting he offer his son congratulations. It was then that Lane erupted. He threw all the dishes across the table at the walls, all of them shattering upon impact. Maya was half convinced he was about to flip the table itself amidst his blind rage. He’d continued to scream at Mason, swear at him and take great pleasure in reminding Mason that, in his eyes, he was never going to amount to anything - he would never be the success Maya was promising to be. Mason took it all in his stride; he detailed his plans, how he was moving out two months earlier than college intended, to go and set up a life in New York for himself. He calmly revealed that he’d been saving all spare money from his job to afford a down payment on an apartment - creating a safety blanket for himself to ensure that he would never have to rely on his father for financial support. Lane looked as though he was about to implode on himself the more he learnt. Eventually, when Mason had finished revealing the finer details of his new promised future, Lane had delivered one, strong punch to his son - Maya could still hear the sound of her dad’s fist connecting with Mason’s jaw if she tried hard enough. Mason had simply gotten right back up, packed a bag, bid goodbye to Maya and their mum, before swearing that he’ll never speak to their dad again. 

Maya had been younger at the time - too young to do anything but sit and watch as this scene of never-ending destruction played out across their dining room. She remembered screaming; begging her dad to stop being so vile to her brother. Begging her mother to do something, to stop it. Of course, Katherine didn’t have it in her - she’d learnt by now to not get in between Lane and whoever was on the other end of his fiery rage, even if that was their own son. So Maya had been able to do nothing but sit and watch her brother pack up and leave. She’d never found out where he’d gone that night, but thankfully they’d kept in touch. Nowadays, Mason had established himself in the art scene of New York; he’d found himself amidst his new found family, his networking - he was happy. Something Maya could only dream of one day being.

Following Mason’s leaving, Lane only focused more of his attention into Maya. He forced her to train harder, run faster, give more. Even when it felt like her body was about to give up on her altogether, he’d force her to find one more lap within her, and keep herself moving. He’d be quick to remind her that should she fail, she’d be suffering the same apparent deadbeat life he believed Mason to be living. Maya of course knew better, knew her brother was safe and cared for and happy. 

~

Eventually, after deeming herself having done enough moping, she began getting ready. She’d not seen her friends since they’d said their goodbyes at the end of the previous school year. Whilst they’d all been hanging out, going on various vacations together, Maya had been throwing herself into even more rigorous training. Eyes forward. No time for friends or social lives or making memories. If she dared take a weekend off training, she may as well resign her fate to second year for the rest of the upcoming school year. That was what her dad loved to remind her of whenever she’d dared ask for a few days off to join her friends, at least. 

She took her time in getting ready; hoping that the process of making herself look good would transfer over to her mood, resulting in her leaving the house a happier version of herself that entered this afternoon. Opting to keep her makeup light; a drag of liner atop her upper eyelids followed by a light coat of mascara, highlight moderately illuminating her cheek bones, and a perfect shade of nude lipstick was all it took. Her hair fell around her shoulders; blonde locks falling neatly around her - it elevated her outlook on herself, made herself feel better whenever she could quite literally let her hair down. 

An hour later, she’d arrived in the dive bar her friends for some reason loved to occupy when they opted to sit around, drink, and talk the world to rights, opposed to going out to a club to dance their nights away. Maya took a second to take in the image of her friends she’d spent too long away from; Andy and Jack were laughing over something she’d missed, but the smiles on both their faces suggested it was one of Jack’s stale jokes that somehow never failed in them cracking up among each other. Vic, Travis and Dean were situated over by the pool table, Vic gloating about how she’d yet again beat them, the males around her suppressing their smirks. Ben was at the bar ordering another round of drinks, apparently he’d lost a round of darts against Andy earlier, meaning the next round was unfortunately his. They all looked so content - for a second, Maya felt amiss. As if she didn’t belong among this environment; she felt too dark and gloomy to be around such a warm embrace of happiness and  _ life.  _ Thankfully, Andy was quick to spot her loitering at the entrance of the bar, and was running to engulf her in a bone crushing hug before she could spiral deeper in her thoughts. 

Andy’s high pitched squeal in Maya’s ear was grounding; reminding her that she wasn’t at home anymore. She was free - for now. She was surrounded people that genuinely loved her, savoured her company, and most importantly...were happy to see her. 

‘BISHOOOOOP!’ Dean shouted across the bar, raising a few glares from other occupants of the venue. Andy ushered Maya over to their tables, where they all smothered her in greetings and hugs and reminders of how much they’d missed her. It was initially overwhelming - Maya had forgotten how bold their personalities were altogether. She wasn’t used to five different voices hurtling toward her at once. She took a second to recenter herself, before throwing herself wholeheartedly back into the reunions she’d been desperately counting down to. 

‘Warren, you’ve got one more drink to add to your round!’ Andy shouted over to Ben, already struggling to carry the assortment of drinks over to their table. 

He looked annoyed for a slight second, thinking one of them had recruited a possible lover for the night. His expression softened when he realised Maya had finally joined them, and added another vodka club onto the order, alongside a shot of Tequila. Something about her having a lot of catching up to do.

‘Bishop we missed you this summer!’ Vic admitted, ‘Where’ve you been? I feel like we’ve hardly heard sight nor sound out of you this entire break!’ It hurt to hear - Maya was hyper-aware of how much she’d neglected contact with her friends this summer. She’d just been so  _ busy.  _ Not to mention she was irrevocably jealous of her friends; the seemingly endless posts of them all together in various locations having fun, whilst Maya was at camp, or at a training track, or at yet another tensely silence family dinner. It was easier just to maintain a wedge between herself and her friends. 

‘What can I say Vic, I’m not gonna get to the Olympics if I opt for a summer of drinking and sunbathing!’ She brushed it off, let her friends believe it didn’t affect her. 

Thankfully, the group became too engaged in sharing their stories from various trips to give Maya a second of space to continue brewing on her argument with Carina. She knew she’d have to apologise, knew she shouldn’t have blown up on her like that - but that would be a problem for tomorrow. She quelled the guilt currently eating at her stomach, drowned out by a few more shots followed by a few more vodka clubs, and instead surrendered herself to immersing in the happiness her friends never failed to instill in her. 

//

Her night was progressing nicely; Carina was content in herself. Slightly drunk, but content. She glanced over at the outskirts of the booth they now occupied, watching Teddy and Amelia shamelessly try and chat up anyone that so much as glanced at them. Amelia was currently flirting with a girl that Carina swore she recognised from her 18th Century Women’s Literature classes, and couldn’t help but laugh. The sapphic world really was that small. Arizona was beside her, aimlessly droning on about how she just wanted to get laid, and had no time for love after the disasters last year had presented her with. Something about never falling for a questionably straight girl again - Carina couldn’t remember the name of the girl Arizona had spent the better part of six months playing cat and mouse with, only remembered the countless nights spent consoling her, reminding her that she wasn’t the problem. Regardless, she let her friend vent, knowing she wouldn’t remember any of it in the morning.

Eventually, the four were drunk enough that all any of them wanted to do was dance. They meandered over to the lit up dance floor; Carina feeling the swell of euphoria in her as she swayed her hips in time to the beat cascading throughout the venue. Amelia was now grinding on the girl from earlier, and it was clear that she was spoken for, for the rest of the evening. It left Carina, Teddy and Arizona to dance among them. Laughing at various guys fail miserably at trying to chat up Amelia and her lover, only to be met with Amelia telling them to fuck themselves because they’d never get to fuck her. Carina couldn’t help but admire Amelia’s willingness to take no shit. It was something she loved so dearly about her. She was a wildfire that refused to be tamed, knew exactly what she wanted, and didn’t let anyone get in the way of that. 

Admittedly, Carina had eyed up a few people throughout the night; a girl who was fixing her lipstick in the club’s toilets mirror, a guy she’d briefly talked to at the bar when getting more shots for her friends, another girl who’d not so subtly been eyeing her over the entire time she’d been in there. _Not tonight_ , she thought to herself. She’d had such a long day; between travelling, unpacking, the brief argument with Maya, the aftermath of said argument and the toll it’d surprisingly taken on Carina. No, tonight was just to let off steam. Plus, she really didn’t have it in her to start her year by waking up next to someone whose name she knew she’d never remember. 

//

Maya was good at many things; almost everything she attempted, she’d mastered. Unfortunately, darts simply wasn’t one of them. She was stood grimacing at the image of the dart currently impaled in the wall, a few metres away from the board itself, as Travis and Jack just laughed in pity at her. Her hand-eye coordination clearly needed some work, or maybe it was the amount of Vodka in her system to blame - regardless, the bar owner was grunting that he was sick of college kids coming in and wrecking the walls, as she quickly moved to retrieve the stray dart from the hole that was now firmly engraved in the wall.

‘Don’t sweat it Bishop,’ Travis offered, patting her back in support, ‘you can’t be good at everything!’ Maya laughed at that, knowing her dad would suggest differently. It frustrated her how everything always boiled back down to her dad; his unrealistic expectations of her, and how she knew she’d never be able to live up to his sky high standards. Thankfully, Andy was once again on hand to bring her out of that spiral before it could progress. Maya was grateful for Andy, really damn grateful. She was the first person she’d ever opened up to. They’d met on a track and field warm up during freshman year, and had been inseparable ever since. Andy never made it past the warm up run - something about running not being her thing. They’d remained inseparable despite the fact. Maya had been the one to get Andy through hers and Jack’s break up, nursed her heart back to whole. Andy returned the favour whenever needed; they both seemed to be particularly skilled in picking romantic ventures they knew would only ever end badly for themselves. Some underlying need to constantly hit the self-destruct button ran deep in both of them, though they never went further than to laugh it off and open another bucket of ice cream when needed. 

‘I’ve missed you this summer, Maya.’ Andy offered as they took up residence atop two bar stools. 

Maya’s smile came naturally at this - she was glad the yearning for each other’s company wasn’t one sided. ‘I missed you too Andy, I’m sorry for not staying in touch more.’

‘It’s fine, I get it.’ She did - Andy knew better than anyone of Maya’s rigorous schedules. Was often the one that forced Maya away from her studying after back to back classes followed by intense workouts and practices, to force food down her before she burnt herself out. ‘Your dads intense, I just wish he’d have let you come to at least one of the trips - you would’ve loved Arizona. I’ve got something for you by the way, from the trip. Saw it and instantly thought of you!’ Andy quipped. Maya offered her another shot in return, both throwing them back before grimacing at the burning sensation down their throats, right to the pits of their stomachs. 

-

Their night began to draw to a close around 3am. Last orders had been called half an hour ago, and they were finally thrown out the bar. Travis and Ben made quick work of hailing down cabs, sorting out who’d be sharing with who based on who lived the closest, all whilst making sure no one drunkenly wandered off. Vic was shamelessly challenging Dean to a wrestling match, whilst Jack took Andy and Maya under his arms having seen them both shiver with the harsh cold settling on the streets. Soon enough, Maya was ushered into a cab with Jack and Andy, her being the first to be dropped off. She’d shoved some money toward Jack and made them swear to text when they’d returned home. Something told her Jack and Andy were going to the same bed tonight. 

Maya struggled to fit her key into the lock; clearly, her hand eye coordination desperately needed some work. Or maybe she just needed to sober up. Regardless, she finally gained access to her apartment after the fourth attempt of finding the lock. She threw her shoes off by the door, feet sore from the heeled boots she’d worn all night. Stopping for a second, she checked for any indication that Carina was home. Maya had left an hour after she did, but it appeared that Carina was somewhere that stayed open later. Or maybe she’d found someone to go home with. That thought alone was enough to make Maya’s heart drop, but she was drunk - she didn’t think much of it. Instead, she put it down to concern for her roommates whereabouts - they hadn’t even exchanged numbers, so Maya would just have to hope she was okay. 

She headed for the fridge, grabbed a bottle of Gatorade and chugged as much as she could. She knew she’d be hungover in the morning, but she didn’t care. She’d needed tonight - needed to blow off some steam. Reaching in her back pocket, she finally retrieved her phone having realised she’d neglected it all night. There was a few missed calls from her mum, and a text from her dad. She opted to text her mum first, apologising for missing her calls and offered an explanation of being in Vic’s place all evening with little regard to her phone, but promised to call her tomorrow. Then she went to the message from her dad, she knew better than to expect an apology, and it seemed she was right for doing so. Instead, it simply read ‘Don’t disappoint me Maya, I mean it.’ She read over it a few times, taking in the weight of the words. All of this, over a packet of oreos? Maya was half tempted to throw her phone across the living space. 

Instead, she headed for her bathroom, intent on removing her makeup. She took a second to take in her features; her bright eyes, her long hair, the way her chin curved to shape her face. She felt so ridiculously vulnerable; all she wanted was a hug in that moment, but no one was there to offer the physical comfort she sought. Instead, she opted to splashing a few rounds of cold water over her face before retreating to her room. The dullness of her bedside table lamp offered her enough guidance to locate her pyjamas from a pile of clothes she’d yet to put away, and got into bed. Only, she couldn’t sleep. Her mind was moving a hundred miles a minute. ‘Eyes forward Maya, eyes _forward_ ’ she repeated to herself, begging herself to keep it together. The blonde was tired, but not tired in the sleeping nature. No, she was tired of having to constantly save face around everyone - constantly calculate her movements as to not reveal too much. To constantly be looking forward, to having to guess what would be coming next. Maya felt a single tear fall down her cheek, and she tried, desperately clawed at her mind to keep from breaking. Alas, she was drunk, and the alcohol seemed to dull her sense of restraint, so the tears flowed with no sign of stopping. All she could do was hug herself to keep herself from falling apart completely. The weight of the day, of her isolated summer, of the argument with her room mate who had done nothing but try and be supportive, all finally crashing down on her. 

//

Carina was drunk, but Arizona? Arizona had drank enough to put a sailor to shame. Only, Arizona had the alcohol tolerance of a seventeen year old sneaking Vodka from their parents liquor cabinet and drinking it straight because they didn’t understand the concept of mixers yet. Carina ushered her into a taxi, having bid goodbye to Teddy and Amelia earlier. Teddy had found a man to go home with, whilst Amelia had not-so-subtly snuck off with the girl Carina knew she recognised, and Carina had just text them both to promise they would text her tomorrow to assure they weren’t lying dead in a ditch. Thankfully, Arizona’s apartment wasn’t too far away by taxi, so Carina was set on getting enough water in the blondes small frame for the duration of the ride to ensure she could at least make it to bed before passing out. It seemed to have done the job, as Arizona managed to walk all the way to the entrance of her building without falling, so Carina signaled the taxi to continue on to her apartment. She was hoping Maya was asleep, or still out. Not in the mood to have her good night ruined with another argument. Certainly in no right mind to apologise now - not with the amount of alcohol coursing through her system. 

No more than ten minutes later, Carina was putting the keys into the lock of her apartment. She let out a sigh of relief as her bare feet hit the welcoming cool of the apartment floor. Her feet finally free of the heels she’d instantly regretted wearing as soon as she put them on - but they made her legs look really,  _ really  _ good, so she’d simply chosen to ignore the throbbing in the balls of her feet instead. It took her a minute to notice Maya’s discarded shoes now lying next to hers, signalling that she’d made it home safe. Carina relaxed at that - knowing she at least wouldn’t go to sleep worrying about the whereabouts of the room mate she barely knew. Venturing toward the fridge, her mouth suddenly dry as sandpaper, Carina limped forward. She was starting to really regret her shoe choice, but the lingering gazes of both men and women throughout the night was enough to make her not regret it. She’d downed a bottle of crisp cold water before going to the sink to refill it. 

Despite thinking Maya was long asleep, she couldn’t help but notice the embers of light peeking out through the gap of her door. Carina simply walked around in silence, still sipping the water, wishing to stretch her legs a little to save waking up sore tomorrow. It was then she heard the sobs of Maya coming out of her in full force. The sound was enough to render Carina sober immediately. She panicked - unknowing whether to go to her, comfort her, or simply leave her be. She danced from foot to foot for a second as she debated her next move - would Maya even want to see her? The way they’d left things this afternoon, Carina bet there would be at least ten other people Maya would rather have comfort her right now. Alas, Carina was the only available option. She couldn’t leave her to go to bed, for her own sake. The guilt would keep her up all night, constantly worrying as to whether she was okay - if she was hurt, or if something else had happened. Finally, Carina found the courage to move toward Maya’s door - her cries still pouring out as violently as they had when Carina initially registered them. 

‘Maya?’ Carina spoke from the other side of the door. She didn’t get a response. Carina was flawed - did she go in? Or did she take that as a sign that Maya didn’t want her presence right now? Unsure as to whether it was the alcohol, or her need to fix people, she ignored the doubts in her mind and continued to push the handle of the door down, gently opening the door. Maya looked up, clearly not hearing Carina’s initial call. 

‘I’m sorry’ Carina offered, ‘it’s just - I heard you crying, and I just wanted to check if you were okay.’

Maya looked startled; once again that deer in headlights she’d been all those years ago in the Italian stadium, though neither of them had remembered that. Maya rubbed at her eyes, clearly puffy from the harshness of her sobs. Carina remained in the doorway, not wishing to cross into Maya’s sanctuary uninvited, especially not when she was so clearly vulnerable. Maya rearranged herself on her bed, choosing to cover her legs with a blanket that was previously strewn across the sheets. Her body language was enough to tell Carina she resented being seen in such an unguarded state. 

‘You can come in,’ Maya offered. She quickly made space on the end of her bed, offering Carina a place to sit. One that the brunette thankfully accepted, her feet  _ really  _ did hurt. 

‘Are you okay?’ Carina questioned, though it was evident she was anything but.

‘I think I’m just drunk.’ It wasn’t a lie - she was sure the heightened emotions were worsened by all the drinking she’d done tonight. 

‘Well, I get that. We’ve all had at least one drunken cry in our college careers.’ Both laughed at this; an easier tone settling amidst the room.

‘I’m sorry’ they both blurted in unison. Again, a gentle laughter broke out between them. It was easy - expressing themselves came easy in each other's presence, so it would seem. ‘No, I’m sorry,’ Maya continued. ‘I shouldn’t have reacted how I did before - you were only trying to help. You’re right, my dad is an ass. I don’t know why I get so defensive whenever anyone says such, because it’s true.’ Maya’s eyes glossed over, as if she was holding back another round of tears. 

‘I get it,’ Carina began. ‘I get having an asshole dad. I lived with mine until I couldn't take it anymore. He was a terrible person, but he loved me, so I accepted that. I lived with it - lived with the way he treated me, because I loved him. He was ill - he suffered with bipolar for a long time, so I guess I kind of excused how he treated me, because I liked to think that if he wasn’t ill, maybe he wouldn’t have treated me how he did.’ Carina wasn’t sure why she was sharing so much - again, likely down to the alcohol. Or maybe it was to counter what Maya had shared with her this afternoon. Or maybe, it was down to the fact she found it cathartic to admit all of this. 

‘I’m sorry Carina’ Maya spoke, her voice quiet - she seemed so small right now. 

‘Don’t be, I’ve come to terms with everything. I just thought it might make you feel less alone to know that I understand. Whether what I said was right or not before, I should’ve gone about it better. It just makes me angry, to see fathers disrespect their daughters. Or just adults disrespect their kids in general - it’s like they don’t get that respect has to be earned. We don’t just automatically give it because we’re their kids.’ Both sat in silence, taking in what Carina had said - both knew there was a lot of truth to it. 

‘Did you have a good night?’ Maya inquired, glad they weren’t fighting anymore. 

‘I did thank you - it was good to see my friends again. Summer felt as though it lasted forever, and I hardly got to see them.’

‘I get that feeling too, I didn’t see anyone over summer break. I was too busy training. I’m glad you enjoyed yourself though.’ Again, another silence washed over the pair. Maya worried her lower lip between her teeth, unsure as to where this was to go next. ‘You look really good tonight,’ that quiet tone still clung to her words. 

Carina blushed at this. She knew she looked good, but something about Maya confirming such made a blush spread across her cheeks. ‘Thank you Maya, I’m sure you looked lovely too. Not to say you don’t now - well, you just look like you’ve had a rough hour or something.’ Carina was growing flustered, she wasn’t sure why she was rambling so much. 

‘You can say it Carina, I look like shit right now.’ Maya laughed. She knew she’d looked better - could practically feel the mascara building below her eyes, forming tear tracks down her cheeks. Carina must’ve agreed, because she quickly excused herself to the bathroom, coming back with a packet of make up wipes she’d remembered Maya had left on her shelf. ‘Here,’ Carina offered, taking a wipe out the packet. ‘Mascara can be a bitch to get off once it’s dried, and I’m sure you don’t need the fright of seeing yourself looking like a raccoon in the morning.’ Maya graciously accepted it, wiping the residual mascara from her face. Her face felt soothed, the swelling aroused from crying settling down at the cool cloth grazing across her skin. 

‘Thank you, for checking on me. For the wipes. For being frank with me, Carina. I’m sorry we got off to a rift, but as far as roommates go, I think I scored good with you.’ Both of them smiled at this, an acceptance of friendship between them. Though neither dared to register it, but there was something deeper begging to be felt beneath the surface of both of them. Carina’s brain was screaming at her to reach out - to comfort Maya somehow. She reached her arms around the blonde, initiating a hug that somehow resulted in Carina settling in behind her. The blanket had been discarded from Maya’s form, Carina assumed when she’d gone to the bathroom. Now, Maya was all too aware of Carina’s legs lightly wrapped around her waist - soothing the urge for physical comfort she’d been desperate for all day. Neither of them said another word for a while, both content to just lay there - take in the warmth of the other against their forms. 

When Carina opened her eyes, she could feel Maya’s breathing having evened out - deeper than what it was before. She’d fallen asleep. Carefully, Carina removed herself from their tangle of limbs, and was sure to throw a blanket over Maya’s sleeping form. She wasn’t sure how long they’d lay there, but knew it was long enough to conclude that Maya was going to be important to her. So very fucking important. 

Having turned the bedside lamp off, Carina navigated her way through the dark expanse of Maya’s room before finding the door. With just the light of hallway illuminating them both, Carina offered one more glance back at Maya - much like she’d done this afternoon when they’d argued. Only this time, Carina felt a sense of peace, knowing the blonde was sound asleep, having talked over what was hurting her so greatly. She bid her a silent goodnight before retreating back to her own room, and finally fell into bed. Her feet had never been so happy to meet the soft surface of her mattress. Carina fell asleep content - she was surrounded by good people. This was going to be a good year, she could just feel it. 


End file.
